Security

One part of the whole travelling thing that im not really looking forward to is the whole rigmarole of airport security; long queues, taking shit out of my bag to put into another little bag which no doubt has to go into another little bag now, like an anti-terror babushka doll, taking my shoes off (iv been waiting around in the airport for an hour on my feet already so yeah theyre gonna smell and yeah il be behind someone with a pretty face and an acute sense of smell) and of course il have to take my belt off too whilst juggling my little bags in bags and hand luggage and the entire contents of my pockets. And of course they always slip down a bit so you waddle, shoeless, up to the conveyor belt thing like a nervous child thats soiled themselves.

Dont want to look like a waddling penguin child? then do it all at the conveyor belt and hold everybody up like 'the dick thats never been to an airport before'.

I waddle. Because im one of those people in the queue judging 'the dick thats never been to an airport before'.

Ive been told that they ask if you have any wooden items on you when you enter Australia, and theyre very strict on you bringing wood into the country, is this true?? The story accompanying this little customs revelation was of a woman who, busy tending to her crying child, neglected to declare the wooden carvings/ornaments in her luggage and was promptly detained when they were discovered by customs. I dont think she faced any penalties but was delayed for a few hours as they searched and questioned her etc.

Its hard enough trying to resist making bomb jokes when they ask if youve packed your bags yourself let alone trying to resist the urge to declare that i am in fact packing some wood whilst grabbing my crotch with a cheeky wink. Im sure il restrain myself cos i bet if i say it theyre damn well gonna try and find some wood on me whether its there or not...just to teach 'the dick whos never been to an airport' a lesson.

Im hoping security isnt like this where im flying to.......